Emotional Weightlifting

Humor In Chaos

Searching for Joy Series

Emotional Weightlifting

When the weather is either too hot or too cold for me, my daughter takes me with her to her gym to work out. Physically, I am limited on what I can do because of lupus. If I do too little, I get sick. If I do too much, I get sick. If I do just the right amount, I get healthy. Each day, the correct amount is different. This is one of the main reasons why lupus is challenging to manage.

When I do work out, I am only able to lift light weights, about two pounds each. More than that, and lupus acts up. I try to compensate by doing more reps as opposed to increasing the weight. With one dumbbell per hand to stay balanced, I go to work on keeping my core muscles as strong as I can along with stretches and walking.

It's the same with the core muscles of our emotional intelligence. There are core “exercises” at our disposal. I use prayer, reading, podcasts, writing, journaling, and learning or experiencing new things as my weights to work on my mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual muscles. I use my internal value system, my core beliefs which should often be re-evaluated, to choose which books to read, what podcasts to listen to, what prayer perspective to take, etc. for those mental weights. Just as we become who we spend time with, we also become what mental weights we use to stretch and grow ourselves.

There are two emotional intelligence weights at our disposal that are fundamental but often overlooked or ignored because they can be heavy for people who are not in line with their own core beliefs and values. They are intentionality and integrity. They are easy to get and easy to utilize. And, yet, just like New Year Resolution gym goals, they rarely get used. They sit on the rack along the wall waiting for someone to pick them up.

Intentionality and integrity. They have nothing to do with each other. Right? Wrong. Just as it’s best to work both sides of the body in a balanced way, exercising emotionally is best when both intentionality and integrity are used together. I would argue, neglecting one leads to failure of the other.

Intentionality is a newer concept for many. Intentionality is about being in the moment. It’s understanding that only the here and now is real. The past is the past that cannot be changed. The future isn’t here yet so it can’t be lived until it’s here, and I can only control myself right now. Not anyone else, not what happened in the past, not what will happen in the future, only me here and now.

Intentionality is focusing on who or what is directly in front of me. It’s putting away the cell phone at dinner and having that conversation instead of worrying about that meeting tomorrow or what I should have said yesterday in that argument.  

Ruminating on things is the opposite of intentionality. Ruminating includes worrying about the future, dwelling on the past, and being hyper focused on people or things beyond our control. For example, when my husband left, I was hyper focused ruminating about all things having to do with him. I was examining past events wondering where I went wrong, worrying about what destruction would happen to the entire family if he never came back, and wondering if he ever gave me another thought. I was neck deep stuck in the mud of rumination about a person I couldn’t control. I couldn’t read his mind. I couldn’t change his mind. I couldn’t focus on what was directly in front of me which was me. I was right in front of me, and I needed to be intentional with myself. Once I was intentional with myself, meaning I was giving myself love and grace and mercy, then I could be intentional with the people in front of me giving them love and grace and mercy, not worrying about what they were thinking or feeling or doing. Worrying about what they were thinking or feeling or doing was trying to control them too. And we cannot control another person.

Feeling the need to ruminate to plan every future moment so nothing will go wrong is living in fear and doesn’t work anyway. Accepting that something will go wrong and that I am capable of dealing with it when and if it happens, because most of our fears don’t actually happen anyway, is freedom that allows me to live in joy today. Ruminating is a waste of time and energy.

Being intentional, being in the moment, present, attentive, open, listening, is the best way to show love and acceptance for another person and for ourselves.

The weight of intentionality includes journaling, reading, personal growth, growing spiritually, practicing listening skills, and more. All things that are within reach, but few people pick them up and do them.

Integrity is a concept that has been neglected for a long time. It’s been neglected for so long that our younger generations think it’s new.

Brene Brown defines integrity as choosing courage over comfort or choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy. With today’s technology where things are getting easier and easier to access, even knowledge, it’s easy to see how integrity has gotten lost. After all, why bother learning that subject or studying for that test when I can just look that up when I need it? Because learning about something makes that something a part of who you are as a person. It becomes a part of your core identity, helping you grow as an emotionally healthy person.

Integrity is about honestly living out one’s true value system even in the face of great diversity. Integrity requires an internal strength few people have but all people can attain by strengthening themselves emotionally.

In order to grow in integrity, one must be intentional in that growth. In order to grow in intentionality, one must have the integrity to be honest about who they are in the moment. You can do one without the other, but not well, and not forever. The one will collapse without the other.

Being truly intentional requires a level of honesty with oneself that is only found in personal integrity. To be a person of true integrity, one must be honest about who they are in the moment. One without the other is failure.

Not living in the moment is not living honestly. People think living in the moment means living at a constant level of excitement. No. It’s being here, now no matter what is happening. Integrity is living in my values with intentionality.

Here is the other interesting thing I recently learned about them both. The seeds for both are planted within ourselves, but they manifest in the people around us. We only have as much of each of them as is mirrored in the perceptions of those with whom we interact. Integrity is measured but how others believe you are being honest and your true self. Intentionality is measured by how others feel seen and heard by you.

I am going to repeat this a slightly different way.

Intentionality and integrity are two important qualities, seeds, we plant and tend to within ourselves, but we harvest them in the people with whom we interact. We choose how much we tend to them.

How others perceive us is how we measure our strength. If intentionality and integrity are weak, we always have the option of picking up those weights and getting to work. A little bit here, and a little bit there can go a long way to changing relationships.

It doesn’t take much to strengthen those emotional intelligence muscles, even for people who are way off the path. Light weightlifting, stretches, long walks on a beautiful morning all contribute to healthy bodies just as journaling, reading, prayer, and other personal growth activities contribute to healthy emotional traits.

When my marriage coach first started helping me, I was under the desk in my office hiding from the world. It was a frightening place. My husband walked out the door leaving me emotional battered and bruised and weak, unable to function at the most basic level. My coach first instilled in me a sense of autonomy, the ability to make decisions for myself. What he was doing was putting into my hand the weight of intentionality, not to hold me down but to give me the tools to build myself up.

Next, he helped me work on my communication skills in how I spoke with my husband, my children, and with myself. He put the weight of integrity in my other hand.

It took a while for me to realize those two weights were right there the entire time. I had only to pick them up and use them. The more I worked on those two weights, the more I was able to trust myself that I was doing the best I could in my given circumstances. I could believe in me.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more!

Sarah

Humor In Chaos

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