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Humor In Chaos

Searching for Joy Series

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For a long time, when I was asked to tell something about myself, I jumped into the same label script. “I’m a wife and a mother. I live in Minnesota. I have a degree in Archaeology, but I am a stay-at-home mom. I enjoy writing, camping, hiking, fishing, hanging out with my family, and old black and white movies.”

My boring self-narrative was my unconscious attempt to fit my identity somewhere into the societal library of defined roles. It was easy. Wife, mother, home engineer if I wanted to get fancy, home-schooling mom, hobbyist. All acceptable titles. So long as I was employing acceptable titles to describe myself, I thought I was living in integrity, and I was happy. Truly. I had joy in my life. I loved being a wife and a mom. I still do, in fact, regardless of the divorce and my empty nest status. However, that wasn’t truly who I was. I was missing the basics of my true identity.

Years ago, when my ex-husband and I had an Amway business together, we used to give talks to groups of people. He talked about the business itself. I talked about how to be a supportive wife handling things at home so he could work both his 9 to 5 job and do the business. Most of my talks were about seeing myself as a child of God, my worth and value as per the Bible, etc. I loved it! It was fun and fulfilling.

The specific topics were love, honesty, keeping things in balance, helping each other, date nights with no work or business talk, communication, reading personal growth books, etc.

I didn’t realize then that my message was really about integrity.

I thought I had integrity. I was as open and honest as I could be.

Integrity is a big word rarely used anymore. People generally accept it as a synonym of the word honesty. While honesty does play a key role in being a person of integrity, it’s much more than that.

What is Integrity? I want to dig a little bit deeper into it than my previous blog a couple of weeks ago.

Integrity is defined as honesty plus having a strong moral belief system. I find that definition way too vague. I like to believe I am an honest person. I live my life as open a book as I can without too much oversharing. I have a strong morals and values system, though bruised. I believe in God above all else.

I think integrity is more than being honest and having a strong moral belief system. It’s living it outwardly without shyness or shame. It’s having the backbone to live it regardless of criticism. This world does criticize it relentlessly. It’s trying to live the life of a saint.

Before anyone jumps into the other ditch and decides that living the life of a saint is next to impossible, go and read up on the lives of the saints. They were real people with real problems, sinners before they were saints, who struggled too.

I am not saying we must be saints in order to have integrity. I’m saying we should try.

Where did I go wrong?

I went wrong where I sinned in my marriage as I stated earlier: I put my husband ahead of my God. That’s where I lost my integrity. Once I identified my error, I was able to take steps to correct it. Then I lost it again with my affair. Went back to the confessional. Ultimately, isn’t that what the Sacrament of Confession is all about? Identifying where we go wrong, make corrections, repent, and reunite with Christ. Sounds so simple. Too bad it isn’t.

Where do we get the instructions on how to live a life of integrity? It’s all in the Bible.

This is where I was correct in those talks I used to give in Amway. I went back to my notes on those talks and reminded myself of when I was firm in my moral character. You have to be if you are going to own an Amway business, because lots of people are going to criticize you for it. Lots of criticism. That criticism built my character.

The first step I needed to take to reclaim myself was to remind myself of who God originally created me to be. This goes back to how I introduce myself to others.

I was a wife and a stay-at-home mom with a degree in Archaeology I can’t use because I have lupus. Right? No. No. No. Those are just labels. Those are not accurate descriptions of who I am.

Who am I in the eyes of my God?

I am a strong (2 Corinthians 12:10), precious (Isaiah 43:4), thankful and faith-filled (Philippians 2:17-18), beautiful (Song of Songs 1:15) child of God (1 John 2:28).

Reminders like that are only the starting point. These verses, and many others throughout the holy library we call the Bible, lay the solid rock foundation from which we build and evolve our identity. I strongly, strongly, recommend reading the Bible every day. And praying before reading. And meditating after. And journaling what moved you.

It’s not a secret why God created us. People wander through life asking what I think is the one and only truly dumb question: What is my purpose in life? It’s not that complicated. We all have the same purpose in life. We are all created for the same reason. We are called to love. We are here to learn to love. It’s all about love.

Throughout the Old Testament, God takes care of His people. He led the Hebrews out of slavery and took them to the promise land. He brought them forth from one man, Abraham, and his almost barren wife, Sarah. He kept His promises to His people. Over and over and over again, they continued to sin by forgetting what God intended. He intended for us joyful lives meant for love. Love of God exhibited through praise and worship and faithfulness, and love of each other exhibited through care and respect to each other. And, love of ourselves as walking temples of Him.

In the New Testament, Jesus laid that out specifically. He took the Ten Commandments and simplified them down to Two Commandments: Love God first and foremost and love each other as we each love ourselves. I almost missed the implication here that I am expected to love myself too.

How do we take this biblical knowledge and grow in integrity?

Read the Bible, go to Mass for praise and worship (or church services depending on your denomination), pray throughout the day giving thanks to God for his blessings, even the small ones, and treat yourself and others around you with kindness and compassion. Share all of that with others. Don’t keep it to yourself.

Why not keep it to yourself? Because integrity isn’t just about beliefs. Integrity, although a noun, is really about verbs. Integrity is about decisions made and actions taken, and the attitude practiced around those actions.

Integrity is living out my beliefs. If I’m not living them out, as in out loud in action and word, then I don’t have integrity.

That’s the key to integrity. Walking and talking the God’s instructions to us. Always in all ways. No exceptions. When I screw up, it’s time to go to Confession and open myself up to God again. And again if and when I sin again. And again. It’s waking up each day and starting over from scratch.

A joyful life cannot happen without integrity. Integrity is lost when the sin, especially the sin of pride, finds a way in. The sin of pride takes over when we don’t stay connected with our Savior. It all comes back around to sin.

When I realized my sin, when I realized my integrity was lacking, I went back to the source. That’s what so great of about Jesus. He is always waiting for us, with open arms, to bring us back in union with His Father. With the Holy Spirit lighting the way.

The old saying is, “You can never go home.” Yes, you can. Get integrity back, and home is right there waiting.

That home, inside us, is where joy is found.

Thanks for reading! Stay tuned for more!

Sarah

Humor In Chaos

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