I'm leaving in a couple of days for a trip to the other side of the country to my daughter's home for Christmas. Her brothers and their wives and children will be joining us. We will be squeezing into her small apartment, although larger than mine, to enjoy the holiday season together. We are all excited for this opportunity to be together for the first time since most of us moved away from each other this past summer and fall.
We all lived about an hour or less from each other in Southern California until my daughter graduated college. She got a job in Virginia, I headed to Idaho, and my oldest took his family to halfway across the country. My other son and his wife stayed in SoCal, at least for now.
We stay connected almost daily on social media message systems, texts, and video calls. Most days, these connections are brief such as sharing our Wordles or a video of the grandkids' day. Sometimes they are lengthier discussions when someone needs a sounding board or direct help, a shoulder to cry on, or just wants to share something great that happened. Technology is great for staying connected.
When we gather, we will eat, drink (sometimes including bottles of wine or a bottle of Fireball), play games, go some places, talk, laugh, and have our disputes. When it is done and people are heading back to their lives, we will embrace. There will be some tears, mostly mine. More important, we will file away into our brains and bodies more memories of shared experiences.
I am keenly aware that not everyone has such close relationships with their children as I do. And, I am keenly aware that if we want to continue to remain as close as we are, we must continue to nurture these relationship opportunities. It's harder now that we all live so far away.
I was on a second date once a while back with a man who was complaining about all of his teenaged kids' events that he had to attend that were cutting into his own private life. I listened to him whine for about a minute, and then I went on and on about how much fun I had the previous Christmas with my kids and grandkids as we all sat around the table playing cards until the wee hours of the morning, some of the adults drinking wine or shots, laughing, sometimes getting irritated with each other, the grandkids running around us, all of the food, and the basic party atmosphere. He looked at me in disbelief and asked, "You mean you party with your kids?"
"Yes," I responded. "Don't you?" He ghosted me after that. Good.
I love partying with my kids. I love that they are comfortable enough around me to do what they want to do, and that when someone is having too much, we are close enough that we can say something. "You've had enough," or "You are not driving," is met with consideration instead of anger. Maybe a little irritation. We all know the intention.
I know parents who are close to their adult children, some who are estranged, and many who are somewhere in between. Besides the ghost guy who couldn't understand why I would party with my children, I have been asked by others how it is that I am so close with my kids. Many feel they have to force connections, which never works by the way. They can see that my kids reach out to me about as much as I reach out to them.
It isn't because of the partying. And we don't party like they do with their own friends, especially when they were in high school and college. Like many a parent, I got some late night phone calls. "I'm not going to drive home tonight. See you in the morning when I know you will lecture me." Darn right I lectured. All things should be done in moderation. The fact that they are comfortable doing these activities with me or around me is indicative of our closeness.
I was listening to Mel Robbins' podcast published November 24, 2024, "The Simple Tool That Will Transform Your Family Dynamic." Great podcast episode, and I am anxiously waiting for her "Let Them" book to arrive in my mailbox. She inspired me to write this blog and ask my children, and I include my daughters in law in that label, via messaging, "What have I done right, and/or we as a family have done right that we are as connected as we are?" I got responses right away.
"You check in with us." (We put forth the effort it takes to be and stay connected.)
"You don't judge my parenting (99% of the time lol); you accept us for who we are." (We don't try to fix each other. We accept each other for who we are. Even me as the mom, I recognize that my children are their own selves.)
"There's no sibling feuds. We duke it out." (We communicate concerns in an atmosphere of love, and we don't take things personally even when the love is missing. We can argue because we know when to stop. It's fine that we don't see the world the same way.)
"...we as a family don't have the expectation of going all out and are more grateful just for being together." (We cherish each other.)
"...time spent is more valued." (We recognize what is important.)
"As far as long distance connection, it's been nice having this chat not only for planning family stuff but also lighthearted things." (We are intentional about creating a joyful dynamic between us.)
"Think back to the (concept of) spilled milk. ...we have a family dynamic of joking about our mistakes while picking each other up." (See the story below.)
"...we all voted for 3 different presidential candidates, maybe 4, and none of us care." (We don't have to debate every topic on the planet if we know we won't agree. As Cher says, "If it won't matter in five years, then it doesn't matter." Things are always changing, especially in politics.)
"I think, unfortunately, we have gone through some tough times as a family, but it puts other negative times in perspective." (Bad times always have this one silver lining: they glaringly show you what is truly important and give opportunities to appreciate the good times even more if you let them.)
"...you have not just been a mom/grandma, but also a friend. We are all friends beyond just being family." (I am not a fan of being friends with young kids. Parents should be parents first. But, I am all for being friends with adult kids. The time for parenting is mostly over. Never completely. The job is mostly done. They get to teach themselves through their own mistakes now. I try not to give advice unless I am asked. I try. I don't always succeed. I don't try to fix anyone. We don't try to fix each other. They can each, individually, fix themselves if they so choose.)
"...we care for each other in a friendly way. Joke around. Hold space." (We make emotional room for each other.)
"The gravity of family doesn't pull us down into a different or more serious plane of relationship." (Family dynamics can become a rope holding us back. The ability to have fun together cuts those ropes. Play games together. Laugh together, at ourselves, even at each other when it builds up. Leave the bad attitudes at the door.)
The spilled milk story: When my two sons were young and my daughter was not yet with us, I was homeschooling them. One of the nice things about homeschooling is that anyone can get up and get something to eat and drink whenever they want.
I was teaching my oldest son a history lesson while my younger son was getting himself a glass of milk. We were discussing the Revolutionary War. The gallon of milk slipped from his hands and poured out all over the countertop and floor.
Without missing a beat on the history lesson discussion, I grabbed the paper towels and handed them to my oldest, my younger son grabbed the garbage can from under the sink, and I got a wet washcloth to clean behind the paper towels that my oldest then shared with his younger brother. The history lesson never came to an end while we were all cleaning up the mess.
After the mess was cleaned and my son was able to get himself a glass of milk and return to his lessons, I started to cry. They asked me what was wrong. I told them I was crying because I was happy.
I was happy because I knew that in the past I would have been angry about the mess and about the disruption to the lesson. I would have lost my temper. At some point, I don't know when, I had changed. I wasn't angry. I wasn't even irritated. I didn't blame. It was an accident. All he wanted was a glass of milk. No one was made to feel bad. Neither of my sons expected me to erupt. We simply, without direction, worked together to clean up the accidental mess.
There was a period of time before this happened when I was reading books and working on myself. I recognized that if I wanted these relationships to be healthy, I needed to be emotionally healthy. Every relationship begins with the self.
I know us older parents look at our adult kids and still see the children they were. That vision is good for reminding us how precious they are to us. Adulthood doesn't change our love for them. However, that vision is not always good for how we interact with them as adults. It can make us try to control them or fix them. We lecture them which is not what the need. They are adults.
I try to catch myself when I do this. I don't always succeed. Thankfully, they are forgiving of me when I mess up. My trick is to intentionally put that child into my heart and focus my mind on the adult that is in front of me. That person, that adult needs me in a different way. This is how I meet them where they are today. Not easy, but doable.
Adult kids with difficult parents, please see my previous blog post, "Confessions of a Toxic Parent." https://www.sarahhauer.com/post/confessions-from-a-toxic-parent Be warned - it is laced with lots and lots of F bombs. Maybe this will help you be more patient with them. If they can handle the F bombs, share it with them and laugh together. Maybe it can be a catalyst for a conversation about evolving parenting as we age.
The one most important aspect of any relationship; family, friend, neighbor, coworker, or that person who drives you absolutely insane; is recognizing that there is only one thing you can control. You. Changing yourself changes the course of any relationship. Not always for the better unfortunately or fortunately as is sometimes the case. Some relationships need to come to an end. You are the catalyst that can make the difference.
And for heaven's sake, party together! You can leave the alcohol out. Play games. Say please, thank you, and I love you. Offer an embrace, but don't pressure. Lighten your heart. Learn about relationships and emotions. Read books and listen to podcasts. There is a huge treasure trove of them out there. If boundaries are being set in place, respect them, even if you don't agree with them.
Forgive, even if it is only quietly in your heart.
Be curious. Ask questions. Don't just ask, "How was your day?" Ask open-ended questions. "How do you feel about.....?" Listen. Don't plan out what you are going to say next.
Don't expect change overnight. Relationships change over time. Growth needs time and consistent effort. Don't give up.
Smile. This is your child. Your grandchild. Remind yourself that this person is a gift in your life.
Don't underestimate the power of personal change. You can change the world.
Are you friends with your adult children?
Thanks for reading!
Sarah
Humor In Chaos
Follow me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter @HumorInChaos www.humorinchaos.com
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